Thursday, April 16, 2009

Been there, Done that

The Naked Truth..... and here it is!!!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, Always Lifts You Up, Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!


Neas Nuttiness said...

I sure hope that I'm one of those friends.
There is a rest stop just north of is wild - toilets are completely stainless steele. It's weird!

Tatersmama said...

Ummm... I think this is a bit weird... because I think someone must have been peeking at me the last time I braved a public restroom!

You would think with a purse full of baby paraphernalia (like pacifiers, wipes, diapers, tissues, stray Legos, half eaten cookies, hand sanitizer and the like) that I could find SOMETHING when I need it - but I never can! And I usually have a baby or two with me at the same time!!! Ever try parking a stroller in the cubicle, closing the door halfway and then trying to maintain some sort of privacy at the same time?

My babies smile and laugh at a VERY early age, let me tell you!
The little rugrats are laughing AT me.... I just know it!

Queenie said...

laugh laugh laugh laugh - after a VERY long work week, I needed this. Thank you!!

Raggedy Girl said...

This was so funny. I also want to add that at my local Red Lobster I must straddle the toilet in order to shut the door. And I would like to give the wonderful facilities to the Apple Store where the one user at a time restroom could hold a large convention.

From Roberta Anne- The Raggedy Girl

Neabear said...

Too funny! Thanks for the compliment on my tablescape post today. I love your new blog look! So springy!

Robynn's Ravings said...

I had no idea we all went to the bathroom THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'll never again discard my chewing gum wrappers! ROFL

Chele said...

This was great! Thanks for the much needed laugh.

Sherri said...

LOL Great post!

Nevis said...

Great stuff!

A New England Life said...

Luckily I can't recall any bathroom experiences quite that bad, but I do dispise using public restrooms. As I'm getting older I seem to have a real germ issue. Yikes!

Neabear said...

Thanks for the visit today! I am glad you are starting to like pink too!

Mango said...

Thanks for stopping by my bloggy to give my momma good wishes. I think she is feeling better today.


Punchbugpug said...

This is SO true!!!