Pro Bass Shop

Another funny email I had to share. Just to get your week off on the right note!

Blind Bass Pro Shop Salesperson

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but . . . the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

Have a great day!!!

Friday Update

Another funny to end this week! Not much happening here, haven't heard back from any job applications yet, what else is new huh??? Supposed to have rain this weekend, that is okay just wish it would cool off a bit. My pug, Fuji, was real sick earlier this week, took her to the vet. He told me her heart isn't beating correctly, she has a heart arrythmia. Got to get her over this bad cold she has first and then see what to do about her heart. Trying to keep her cool and relaxed. She is breathing better and will be 11 in a month. Her appetite is back. She is Queen Bee around here and always barking orders! Have a great weekend! Enjoy the funny below! I actually do not suggest doing this! This is an email someone sent me! Just a joke I hope ya know!

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair' hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says, 'Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady says, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

The fence

Had to share this e-mail with ya'll..please don't think bad of me but I really needed a laugh today! Hope this gets your weekend off to a good start!

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well..'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

You won't believe!!

I got turned down for 3 jobs this week. 2 at Lakeland Regional Medical Center, the fancy name for our hospital, for patient access representative and 1 at Watson Clinic for security guard/hospitality hostess. I'm pretty sure I could check someone into the hospital or push them around in a wheelchair or drive the tram out in the parking lot at the clinic.. Guess these HR people don't know me very well!

I have to have 2 teeth pulled on Monday, it was supposed to be this last Wednesday but my BP was too high. I wonder why??? Maybe cause I was having 2 teeth pulled??? I also forgot to take my BP meds that morning. The dentist told me to go home, take my meds and be back at 3pm. When I went to start my car it was dead, nothing, zip, nada. Had to call Meagan at work, she picked me up and I took her back to work. Came home, took meds, went back at 3pm and BP was still the same! Come back Monday, she said and we will try again. Since my car was dead, had to have it towed to the shop. Thought it was the alternator gone bad again but was only the battery cable broken in two. So it only cost me $30 instead of the $200 I thought it might be.

Yesterday I was online taking a test for Publix when a Verizon tech put my phone out while working on the neighbor's phone which was out. Lost my internet connection and fouled up my test. He left my phone out when he left, I only had express dial tone and no one could call me either for over 24 hours. Had to call repair from the edt and they told it would fixed by 8pm tonight. It was back in service by 230pm today. I called Publix this afternoon after I had a dial tone and she said they had sent me an email telling me I would be able to finish taking the test. Wish me luck and pray for me. The rest of the test is on Microsoft Word, Access, Excel and Data entry. I will do that Saturday morning. Even if I pass doesn't mean I will get a job but I did make it far enough to take the test. I thought that was pretty good.

How was your week??

Important Women's Health Issue

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness

Nausea

Vomiting

Incarceration

Erotic lustfulness

Loss of motor control

Loss of clothing

Loss of money

Loss of virginity

Table dancing

Headache

Dehydration

Dry mouth

And a desire to sing Karaoke!!

WARNINGS:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Have a great weekend!! I may have to get me one or two of these! WAIT, I'm on prescrip pain meds and antibiotics right now as I have a serious toothache and infection. Will most likely be having 2 teeth pulled next Wednesday cause I can't afford a root canal, crown and a bridge to make it pretty!

At a loss

That sweet, sweet Linnea asked me where I had been lately. In a quandry, mostly. Out of my mind, too! I was going to post my outrage at my Lakeland Electric bill, the most recent one. Normally our meter is read every 28 days but this time it was 40 days. Over 63,000 customers have humongous bills, me included! I haven't found a job yet and unemployment isn't that much to help pay this bill. I could pay it but would have 0 left over to get me thru 2 weeks.

Now I'm at a loss. I lost one of my very closest friends Saturday morning. Cause of death will be a heart attack. Her husband thinks her new meds did it. She went to the hospital last Sunday, not feeling too good and difficulty breathing. Diagnosed with congestive heart failure, released on Wednesday afternoon. I called her, she told me they sent her home with 7 prescriptions. She had an appointment on the 12th next week to see the cardiologist. She took the meds on Thursady and started feeling very bad , went to the ER and they said she had indigestion and sent her home. She did not take her meds on Friday. Saturday morning she ate her cereal and took her meds. She started feeling bad, things got worse and 911 was called. They resuscitated her 4 times and flatlined each time. The doctor in the ER worked on her for an hour and could not bring her back. My wonderful, beautiful friend was gone.

She told me me tht she hadn't been feeling so good since January and had been to the doctor. She gained 30 pounds since January and this was obviously due to the CHF. She leaves a husband, 2 daughters, stepson, stepdaughter and several grandchildren. We did so many crazy things together. I went to see my first Chippendale knockoff dancer. I went to a biker bar and played darts. It wasn't that wild of a place, after all it was next door to a gas station. She gave me a baby shower. So many fun times at work and many long talks. She had the best laugh and a great smile. Her husband and her had just planned to take a 3 week trip on the motorcyle and go wherever the wind blew them. They were working really hard on their marriage. Her youngest daughter, Allison, 17, will be a senior when schools start and just made captain of the cheerleading team. She kept her grandaughter since Samantha couldn't take care of her. She became a new Mama again. She was full of life and energy.

She was let go from her Verizon job after 30+ years of service. In the past few years she was a supervisor. They are cutting back drastically, letting craft and management go left and right. She was under a great deal of stress, she smoked and did imbibe. She was diagnosed several years ago with cardiomyopathy, inherited from her father who died from that. Her brother has it and her sister was recently diagnosed with it. Cardiomyopathy and CHF don't make a good combo plus she had high BP which was being treated. Her husband told me he was going to pursue the meds aspect, sounds like a good idea to me.

I am at a loss for everything at the moment. Numb, sick, sad, empty. Vicki was 50 years young.
I will miss my friend, her laugh, her smile, her craziness. My friends mean so much to me and all of you in bloggyland included. Goodbye Vicki!!

Funny for Thursday

Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own darn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.

The End